N: T put his finger on his penis and then touched me! Now I have penis germs on my wrist!
T, of course, smiled gleefully. He reminds me far too much of my brother, who used to hide things in his pants because then he knew that I wouldn’t want to touch them ever again.
They’re playing in the other room, and all I can hear is them chanting “I want to be evil! I want to be evil!” Would it be wrong of me to tell them they already are?
So T’s been thinking a lot about death lately, asking questions about why people and animals have to die, planning to plant a “memorial tree” for Grandpa Joe’s dog who died while we were visiting, etc. A couple of days ago he said that he wants me to die in a million zillion years, and that he wants to be holding my hand when I do.
How sweet — and pathetic — is that?
“When I grow up I’m going to eat NON-organic food.
But I need a map first, to know where I’m going. And I also need to know how to steer the car or truck. Or van.”
Trying to keep N happy during a dim-sum lunch at MuDu Noodles (yum!), I was having him figure out small words he could make from larger ones. (You know, I’d give him “happiness” and he’d come up with sip, sin, nips, spin, etc.) I gave him the word “traverse” and watched as he figured out four or five before giving up. He whined that he couldn’t come up with any more, and I prompted him:
Me: What are junipers and pinons? (Imagine the tilde over the “n” please — I don’t know how to make it show up. Obviously I’m going for “tree” here.)
N, confusedly: But there aren’t enough letters to make “conifer”, mom!
(And yes, I have been informed that junipers aren’t actually conifers, as they have berries instead of cones. You learn something every day.)
N, to T: I wish you had died before you were born!
T, to N: I wish you were alive before you were even born!
N & T, together: ha-ha
8-y-o N, carrying the Family Fun Easter issue: Mama, did you get up in the middle of the night and hide the easter baskets?
Me: No. It’s not even Easter yet, silly child.
N: In past years did you?
Me: Honey, I try not to get up in the middle of the night for anything, unless you or your brother really really needs me.
Note how cleverly I avoided the real question without actually lying…
Saying something we’ve all been feeling lately: “Papa, I wish you didn’t work so much. Because then you could do stuff with us more often.”
While on the toilet: “I’m pooping out food that I ate. Why does poop stink when the food doesn’t? The poop is swimming through the water. If it gets plugged up then we’ll have to use a plunger. That’s why we’ve got them. And you’ve got nail clippers to clip your toes, or fingers. And this bathtub is to wash you, to bathe in too.”
(earlier in the day, to me: “You look like a witch. You look really old. Which is funny, because you really aren’t.”)
T: “Tell me all the compound words you know.”
Me: “Uh, there’s a lot.”
T: “Tell me them. Tell me the ones that you KNOW.”
Me: Did you eat your quiche?
N: Quiche? What quiche? I didn’t have any quiche!
Me: Yes you did! It was on your plate and now it’s not. I’m pretty sure you ate it.
N: I don’t think so.
(I get him another piece, and hand it directly to him.)
N: I ate the quiche. I thought it was a hot dog.
4-y-o T: N, I’ll tell you what a ghost is.
8-y-o N: What?
T: A ghost is white. You’re not white.
N: Neither are you.
N & T, discoveringly: We’re not ghosts, then!
(earlier, in the bath, they were playing some sort of game that involved a cyclops hurling rocks onto a ship (from The Odyssey), with Gilgamesh and Enkidu and Donkey Kong steering the ship after the captain was killed by the boulders. I think there were some other characters involved, but I was laughing too hard to tell…)
N: “God, Jesus, The Devil, and Buddha”
T: “God, Jesus, Kokopelli, and Nothing!”
N: “No, T, it’s God, Jesus, The Devil, and Buddha!”
T: “No, it isn’t.”
…slight pause…
N: “Mama, is kokopelli a friend of buddha’s? how do you know if you haven’t read that in a book?”
…yet another pause…
N: “Mama, aren’t God, Jesus, and Buddha religious customs?”
